if fear hasn't killed me yet ...

This morning at my bible study, Beth Moore spoke on Ester 4:11-17 and fear. Here are some of my personal thoughts on fear...

Fear is a funny thing. Most people have fears of things that are real, like spiders, snakes or the dark. But almost everyone has fear that is found deeper than those things. Our worst fears are not usually in the form of a thing we can identify but more so they are situational. Fear of death, of loneliness, of a loved one leaving us, of not being good enough. Whether we admit it or not, we have that fear that sort of eats us alive.

If we call ourselves followers of Christ we usually say that we trust that God will not let that fear happen to us. However, in doing that, we have placed a conditional faith on God. We are essentially saying, "God I'm trusting that you won't let that happen because that would destroy me" We aren't really trusting God at all. And when we do that, we're only putting a band aid on an incision from surgery. Fear is something deep inside us, something that continues to torment us if we allow it to. We think that if that ever does happen then we're ruined. We won't be able to get over it, the fear is still there even if we say we trust in the Lord. I think we just feel better for a little bit.

See the thing is that the single most repeated command that God gives us throughout the Bible is this ... "Do not be afraid." Over and over again he commands us to not be afraid. And yet, we continue to be afraid. I mean yes, we've memorized the verses in the bible that say that the Lord will not forsake us, if God is for us who can be against us, and we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us. But when we get down to it, do we ever stop being fearful?

So then Beth Moore started to talk about courage. About how courage comes from the Latin word "cor" meaning heart. Then she said - courage comes from a heart convinced it is loved. In the New Testament Jesus says to his disciples, "Take courage! It is I. Do not be afraid." It's not even that he's really saying that they shouldn't be afraid, he's more saying that he is with them so they can fear not. He says "Take courage" as if he's holding it out to them in his hand, like 'here, take it. Come on, I'm giving it to you." I think so many times we have this fear in our lives that literally keeps us from doing things, great things, and it's like God is holding out courage and we choose not to take it.

In Esther, the fear was literally death. She could go in front of the King like Mordecai was asking her but the penalty was death. More than likely, in her mind, she was gonna be killed if she did it. It wasn't like there was chance she wouldn't be killed, the chance was that she would be saved. Being saved by Xerxes' scepter was the exception to the rule. She was literally facing death, but chose to take the courage provided for her by her faith in God that He was there with her.

While I recognize that a lot of people are afraid of death, I'm not. I've come to term with the fact that I'm going to die and in all honesty, I'm not dreading that. The hope I have in Jesus (not to be all preachy) is that I get something better in the next life. So yea, that's not my fear. But I do have fear and to be honest I have a lot of it. I didn't really know it, but it's there. It's abundant and it runs deep.

The thing is, for the past year (literally, maybe more than a year) God has been trying to call my attention to this fact. He's been using a lot of different people and scriptures to show me something and while I recognize those moments while I'm in them, I didn't understand how or why they connected. That is until today. Until Beth Moore, in all her southern charm, called it all to my attention. A dozen or so conversations with mentors/friends/students. Hours spent poring over specific scriptures. Tears spilt in heartache over not understanding this pain and fear - not having a name for it. Beth tied it up in a cute little package and presented it to me... all the way from Texas... through a DVD ... that was recorded long before any of this happened in my life.

(Not buying it? Yea me neither, it's clearly the hand of the Lord. Beth's just a vessel. I do understand that, don't worry.)

There are a lot of fill in the blanks in Beth Moore studies. But today there was one left blank, and it's a glorious one. Beth points out that when you're facing any kind of fear there is a sort of "IF ____________________, THEN __________." For a shallow/humorous example, "IF a spider crawls on my leg, THEN I will die." When you put your fear in the first blank, you always have a perceived consequence in the second blank. For your worst fear, that second blank is the fact that you'll be done, ruined, won't be able to go on. But if you play it out, you find a different consequence. Keep asking yourself "what if that happens, then what?" and when you fill in that second blank, keep asking, "then what?" until you come full circle and realize, that at the end of your dramatic (although real) situation ... there's God. Even if everything in your life is lost, God's still there. He's still standing right there and He can help pick you up and carry on.

This is not to say that I've perfected it, far from it. I took some good steps today. I took the courage God was holding out to me and tried conquering one of my fears. But I barely scratched the surface. It's a long road when you're trying to conquer those fears. Because I tend to ask myself, is fear really curable? Will I ever get to the point where I don't have fear? Or is it merely recognizing that I have the choice to take the courage I'm being handed by the God that created me?

I'm thankful! and it's not even thanksgiving yet!

I had a little bit of an insane weekend. So insane, in fact, that I failed to take pictures, oops. So here is a weekend review with pictures stolen off of facebook. :) So let's go to the pictures!

I flew into Kansas City and was greeted by Maria and the two amazing little men Caleb (5) and Josiah (2) (picture credit to Lime green photography). I stayed with the Ciccones while in KS and got lots of time to play with and read to Caleb and Josiah, which are two of my favorite activities. Not one of my favorite activities? Being the batter to Caleb's pitching. He hit me in the side of the head with a tennis ball. Although I will say he's the best little athlete I've ever seen. He's pretty much a little stud. And Josiah has a crazy good vocabulary for a two year old and was melting my heart with "I love yous" all weekend.

I also got to spend a ton of quality time with this girl. (this picture is from about October '08, old but I love it) Laurey and I went shopping for a present for Dan and Sarah's wedding and she also drove me to go see the Tapps and to the airport on Saturday early early morning. She's a great friend and I had so much fun hanging out with her and catching up.
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Friday was mostly spent hanging with the Ciccones but I also got to hang with these ladies, Kathy (pink) and Kellye (black). We got bagels and hung out, so fun. I love them so much and can't wait to go see New Moon with them. :)

Then on Friday was the main event (for that part of the weekend). The wedding of Dan and Sarah. (picture stolen from one of the bridesmaids.) It was so fun to witness this beautiful marriage and to see these two finally get married. I met Dan and Sarah at Hillcrest and they both have been really good friends to me, so to be able to be at their wedding and support them was an honor. Love them.

The reception was also a big hit. Mostly the memories are gonna be from dancing the night away with some great friends. My highlight (sorry Jessi) is going to have to be the fact that the one song that got us out on the floor was Miley Cyrus' Party in the USA. That song will from now on make me think of these two:
Karlie and Adam, I like them. And then there was the dancing with Laurey and these two:

Possibly the funnies married couple ever: Jessi and Dave. I like them a lot too. And there was also plenty of dancing with the female half of this couple and lots of fun coversation with the male half: (picture credit to Living Groom Pictures):

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Then I woke up on Saturday morning and flew home to attend the wedding of my dear friend Heather and Ben. Another beautiful wedding at a great little chapel in the foothills. I attended with my dear friends Curt and Melissa. There were many highlights including being the only single person that I knew at the wedding. Our table at the reception consisted of me and 4 married couple. Although it was really fun to hang out with them, they are some of my favorite people. Plus a benefit, Melissa and Joanne (both of whom I used to work with at 4Cs) had fun getting ideas to make weddings fun for everyone (code for they planned my wedding).

Then I went home to change and then went to hang out with my great friend Chrissy and her husband Luke. They were in town for the weekend and staying at Chrissy's parent's house (whom I also love) and I spent the whole night helping to make the layout for a great quilt, and having fabulous conversation with them. I always forget just how much I miss them until I see them and have a night like I had last night. So much fun.

And the weekend continues tomorrow night as I go to the Broncos' Monday night football game with this girl:

Sophie.

Sometimes, after weekends like this I realize how my friends span several years, several states and I am so blessed to have them. I am looking forward to seeing more of you KC people when I'm back in two weeks! Yay! get ready for fun times.

I'm (insert children's character I've never heard of)

Ah, Halloween. Gotta love the festivities that surround this famous holiday. My weekend was full of some great times. Friday night I worked our church's fall festival. As a C4 volunteer, I was helping run the cookie decorating table with my C4 girls. There is me helping my little friend Adria make a cookie. She's precious, and I like her a lot.

Which brings me to my post title. Most of the night, kids would come up to my table and while they made their cookies I would ask their names and what they were. 90% of the time they were something I had never heard of. Whether it be some sort of fairy from some movie Disney made up to capitalize on the Tinkerbell craze, or some sort of Halloween creation by costume designers. Whatever the case, I found myself feeling foolish because this 3-8 year old kid was looking up to me like I was the biggest dumby for not knowing who they were dressed up as... so about 7 kids in I decided to fake it. I would say, "and what are you?" and they would say, "I'm (insert children's character I've never heard of" and I would respond... "Awesome!"

I also got to help judge the costume concert which was SO fun. Although we did get criticized by little 1st grader Maddy who had two parents on the judging panel and didn't win. She was pretty angry with us. Although she was up against a little guy dressed up as Indiana Jones. I mean, come on. Indian Jones fully equipped with penciled on unshavenness.

Then on to Saturday, the main event. Well not really, most of my day was spent doing homework. Although I did take a brief break to go buy some SWEET aviators, get excited! But there were 2 best parts of my Halloween.

1- my goddaughter, Kaitlyn. This year Kaitlyn and I got creative. She decided she wanted to be an 80's punk rock chick. So we went shopping and created her look and then yesterday I went over and braided her hair wet to make it all crimpy. Then we put it in a half up side pony and tinted that part pink. I put some bright pink blush on her with some blue eye shadow. I must say, she looked awesome. Plus she and I had some really good times assembling her outfit and look. Pictures to come.

2- Meese concert. Meese is a denver-local band that I've seen play about a half a dozen times about 5 years ago. Well since then they've released an album, went on a tour and then headlined their first Denver show last night. I attended with Sophie and Jean of the 'Socks' family. Now I love concerts and this one was no different.

the first opener was called Ha Ha Tonka. They were really good AND bonus - they are from the Ozarks! Represent! The second band was awful so I won't name them. The third band was so-so and I also won't name them, although they did do a pretty good cover of "Bennie and the Jets" which was great. Then came on Meese. they were great. Truly a great show, I really like their new stuff. If you don't have their CD go get it. It's grand.

So that was my great weekend, loved it. What I'm looking forward to this week? well duh, bible study. But also I am traveling to the O-P to attend the wedding of my beautiful Sarah and the awesome Danimal, then traveling back here for another fantastical wedding event of Heather and Ben. Also that weekend is getting to see the bestie from IL. And I'm going to the Monday night football game of the Broncos with Sophe. Crazy busy amazing weekend coming up, so I gotta go silent for a few days and do all my homework. See you all soon!

I kind of like it when Beth Moore calls me "girlfriend"

So, I am a part of this bible study at my church that takes place on Tuesday mornings. We're doing the Beth Moore Esther study (my first Beth Moore!). There are a ton of women in it and most weeks it's the thing I look forward to most.

So there's me, and tate... and then every other woman is married with children, some with grandchildren, some with grandchildren older than me. After the first week, Tate said to me, "Thanks for coming and bringing the average age down." At first I was hesitant, I thought to myself that I wasn't sure I wanted to do a Beth Moore study (too much dedication), I wanted something more with women my own age, or at least closer (too many stories that go over my head). Basically I came up with a lot of excuses but each time I thought one was legit God would sort of lean over my shoulder and say, "but you need this." So I kept going, because who can argue with their Creator over what they need? I sure can't.

So I go every week and sometimes sit through the craziest conversations, like two weeks ago when we started talking about beauty treatments and the room erupted with things like, "use olive oil instead of lotion" and all sorts of home remedies that I'm gonna be honest, sounded gross. Or last week when we got on a 20 minute tangent on disciplining your children...meaning beating them. Seriously. But also, I love it.

I love it because every Tuesday morning from 9-11 I get to open up the Bible with about 20 other women who love God and have lived life much longer than me. I get to learn from some of the finest women in our congregations but also, it's a place where they honor my opinions, even ask for it sometimes. And not even in that condescending way that some older generations ask for our generation's opinion, like, "Let's hear from the twenty-somethings now." More like, "Alicia, what do you think?"

I also love it because I am now in relationship with all these amazing women that I never would have even met until now. It's so fun to walk into the fellowship hall and have all these women say hi and ask how my week was. I love it. It's so fun.

Which also in a way makes me sad. Not for myself, but for the tons of young women my age that don't take advantage of that. You see so often I feel like the 20somethings are constantly looking for a community of our own. Almost like we are looking for a church completely made up of people our age and we alienate ourselves from the greater christian population because we think they don't get us or the way we want to live. I've totally found myself in this thought process, I want to find a group to study the Word with that are my age. I shy away from college aged ministry because well, I'm not in college and mostly it's high schoolers who go to those things anyway. I also shy away from things that say "young adults" because it's mostly really young married couples. or "singles" ministry because it's like a dating game on crack.

I've been that person that makes an excuse for not having a community that I "fit" into, the thing is, in my lack of that sort of community I've found a different community. Not a perfect one mind you (besides I have a feeling no community can be perfect but that's another post) but one that fulfills my needs and make me feel included and loved. One that prays for each other and challenges each other to be better at life. And only one other person is "my age."

My fear is that we isolate ourselves from the greater population of our congregations. Don't get me wrong, there are times that we need to be all about generational divisions. Youth ministry, children's ministry... etc. But there's also a time for crossing those boundaries and learning from each other. To be humble enough to know that you could learn a lesson from a 10 year old just like you can from an 80 year old.

It's A-maize-ing.

Before I get started, sorry the Glee video from my last post gotten taken down like an hour after I posted it... but I put in the hulu one instead so go back and watch it if you want to ... (Lauren).

So I've started to volunteer with C4 (which is actually supposed to be like C to the 4th, exponant style). Don't ask me what it stands for cause I can't ever remember, but what you need to know is that it is the youth group type night for the 5th and 6th graders at my home church. We meet twice a month and have some great times. Last friday we went to a corn maze up in Erie, CO for some fall fun. It was awesome. no it was beyond awesome! Seriously, it was so fun just running around the maze in the pitch black darkness with the kids. Total successful outing.

Let's just throw in some quotes in here...
Kira: "Alicia, you're gonna be cold" - Kira
Me: "No I'm not, I've got my puffy vest on, it's the warmest thing EVER!"
Kira: "but what about your arms"
Touche Kira, Touche....

Brian: "Alicia, can I be in your group?"
Me: "Of course! but it's probably gonna be all girls, so you might want to go with one of the boys."
Brian: "It's alright, I just wanna be with you."
Tear.

Then my favorite, said by Gloria, one of the moms that joined us. Said after we have been immersed in the maze for about a half an hour, while looking at the map and planning our route.
"WAIT! We're on the black lines? I thought we were in the white part!"
Then a response by Brian: "No, that's the corn."

baby, you got it.

I have a lot of time on my hands. So much so that after I finish all my homework and hang out with Kaitlyn, and I've read too much for the day, I watch some primetime TV. It's gotten me far too involved with shows like NCIS, CSI, Criminal Minds, the Good Wife, Private Practice, Greys - things that are fun to pass the time with when I get bored. But then there is the main events of my week. There's two shows that I sit and watch every week and cannot get enough of. The first is the Office (duh, you're not surprised.) The second is Glee. I have fallen in love with Glee and I must watch it while it's on TV.

Along with my love for Glee is my love for Will Shuester who is featured in this clip. He's so dorky and funny and yet his moves are legit. And yes, I can hear you laughing out loud at me, and I'm totally fine with that because watch this clip.

here's to you

I'll be the grapes fermented,

Bottled and served with the table set in my finest suit

Like a perfect gentlemen

I'll be the fire escape that's bolted to the ancient brick

Where you will sit and contemplate your day

I'll be the waterwings that save you if you start drowning

In an open tab when your judgment's on the brink

I'll be the phonograph that plays your favorite

Albums back as you're lying there drifting off to sleep...

I'll be the platform shoes and undo what heredity's done to you

You won't have to strain to look into my eyes

I'll be your winter coat buttoned and zipped straight to the throat

With the collar up so you won't catch a cold

I want to take you far from the cynics in this town

And kiss you on the mouth

We'll cut our bodies free from the tethers of this scene,

Start a brand new colony

Where everything will change,

We'll give ourselves new names (identities erased)

The sun will heat the grounds

Under our bare feet in this brand new colony

Everything will change,

I was listening to this song tonight and while I realize that it's actually about boy girl stuff. I was thinking about how it's more than that for me. It makes me think of my friends. Friends that are these things in my life. The music, the fire escape, the nice dinner, the platform shoes and the water wings.

You see I've moved a lot in my life. Meaning I had always regreted not having those like two or three "best friends" that I've known since I was crawling around in diapers. But in my old age and wisdom (joke) I realized I have something better. I have friends all over the country that I can count on for anything.

All that to say, I have the greatest friends. I have friends that will sit with me for hours in coffee shops or cars talking about everything. We go to concerts and bob out heads along to the music we like. I can text you at 2 a.m. just because I need you to pray for something. You get my jokes and love that I am addicted to starbucks. We watch our favorite shows together and we mock the characters that we think are dumb. We go shopping, go to movies or just walk around for a while. We make dinner, we bake, we take picnics to watch the fireworks on the side of the road. We cry and laught together. We share life together. You make me better everyday of my life.

Here's to you guys, you know who you are and I love you. I hope that I am even half as good as a friend to you.